Days of Dancing on Pebbles and Drinking the Sun

Like a Circus

2009-06-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

I realize I keep forgetting to put titles to my posts.

So a good friend of mine popped out of nowhere and commented on one of my posts! I checked out his profile and really enjoyed reading his blogs.

I'm still having so much fun with my new photoblog. I visit my page all the time just to admire it and read the comments I got on my pictures over and over again. I'm such a sad human being.

I really injured my knee, somehow. I've had the injury before. It was what prevented me from attending FOBISSEA, and I was so angry for really long afterwards, because FOBISSEA is a huge thing, and all my good friends went and came back and couldn't stop talking about how fun it had been. So anyway, that was because of my knee, and everyone kept telling me to go check it up but I never did. It got better though, and I didn't have a problem with it until yesterday. I swear, I wasn't doing anything, I was just sitting on the floor of the studio and all of a sudden, my knee just cracks and it's the same problem again.

So I really wanted to exercise today, but I can't run, cycle, roller blade or even walk because of my knee, so I was planning on swimming with Ty, because that's proabably the best thing you can do for an injured knee. But then we came home from grocery shopping and just got really tired, so we decided to rest for maybe 30 minutes or so.

Three hours later, and Ty is still sleeping. I can't get her up. She just won't wake up. I don't want to go swimming alone either, so it looks like there won't be any exercise for me today.

There's a song I really like and have been listening to a lot these days. It's by Air Traffic and it's called "Empty Space". Every time I hear, I get into this strange creature-character, and sometimes I randomly start dancing/acting as that creature and I can feel it so much, I start to cry.

It's a void that I can't fill
An empty space I can't replace
With anything at all
The lights are all burnt out
And smoke will drive the swimmers down
there's noone left at all

You've done enough
He's still alive
He's breathing on his own
I leave everything I have
You've done enough
He's still alive
And he's breathing on his own
And he's breathing on his own

There's chaos everywhere
And panic written on the air
That everyone is breathing
And crushing light of day
Pain will never wash away
Fear will never leave

You've done enough
He's still alive
He's breathing on his own
I leave everything I have
You've done enough
He's still alive
And he's breathing on his own
And he's breathing on his own

And god save our souls
How tables have turned
And broke

One more like this could be the end
They say they told us all along
But we were busy getting laid
One more like this will be the end
And we've known it all along
We've known it all along.

I gotta go do the dishes......

2009-06-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you. For everything.

I feel so reflective today. It might be because I'm not really on good terms with my dad right now, and he said some things that really made me think about myself and my life and how I'm carrying things out.

I cried this morning before going to college, and I completely forgot we had a replacement class today, so Ty and I came almost an hour late for it. It was really quite frustrating at the time, but I can already laugh about it.

The point, though, is that I cried and felt really sorry for myself for a little while, but then I thought about the fact that other people have it so much worse, and I just pulled myself together and went to school.

I've created a photo blog! I'm totally excited about it, although I know I'll get used to it pretty soon. Anyway, the link is here:

http://www.photoblog.com/annasmile/

It's good fun :) It makes me want to take more pictures.

Oh yeah, I didn't even mention the fact that I haven't written here in so long. It sucks, but I just either haven't had the time, or, when I do have the time, I just can't be bothered because I feel like I don't have anything worth writing about. And there's no point in telling myself that I'll be better with writing, because I know I won't be able to keep it up.

I'm so hungry...

Belong to Me

2009-03-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

When good and bad
Came knocking on the door
My head got confused
So confused.

When all the words in the dictionary
Could not explain how I felt
I didn't say anything
Nothing at all.

The city lights reflected in the water
And that's when my tears would start to fall.

Then you walked in
And love was walking with you
You invited me in and said,
"Belong to me"
And I did.
And now everyday feels like Sunday.

Rise and shine, it's a new day
And if today be sweet
Just like yesterday
Forgive me.

'Cause when the leaves
Start to fall
I won't be able to hide the smile
That creeps onto my face.

The city lights reflected in the water
And that's when my tears would start to fall.

Then you walked in
And love was walking with you
You invited me and said,
"Belong to me"
And I did.
And now everyday feels like Sunday.

And so I will remember
That first hour I believed
The moment I sent a promise to the moon
To always hold on
Never give up
Never let go.

The orphanage was so much fun! They have improved tremendously, in my opinion. I was so shocked to see the kids sitting at tables eating their food from their own bowls with their own spoons, instead of sitting in a circle on the floor being fed to by a shouting Chinese lady with the same spoon. They don't look the kids in a room with no toys like they used to either. The door is open, they have a few toys to play with and when someone gets into a fight with another, they simply go tell one of the grownups who then comes in to scold the child, instead of just sitting on the floor and crying until something interesting catches their eye. A few of the kids even said "sorry" to each other!
There were a couple new kids that I haven't seen before, including a tiny baby I thought was a girl until I changed HIS diaper......

I even got bullied by a little sprout today... I think he's less than two years old and I was cooing at him cuz he's so adorable and then he comes up to me and hits me in the face with a toy thing so my lip starts bleeding.

I would have to say that today started out really shitty, but ended fantastically. I'm tired but happy.

It's only 9:03 pm, but I think I'm going to sleep soon.....

Claustrophobia

2009-03-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

And suddenly
I can't stay in this room
The walls are closing in
I find it hard to breathe

The window disappears
The door disappears
I reach up and find
That I can touch the ceiling.

It's right above my head.

'Cause every time we have this fight
Somewhere along the way
You stop listening to what I say
And you keep going
Yeah...
And I'm claustrophobic
Yeah...
I'm claustrophobic

Now I can't move
It's like I'm in a straight-jacket
My feet are tied down

There's a ringing in my ears
Screaming in my head.

'Cause every time we have this fight
Somewhere along the way
You stop listening to what I say
And you keep going
Yeah...
And I'm claustrophobic
Yeah...
I'm claustrophobic

My mouth doesn't move
And I try to focus
On the words you are saying
There are so many
Coming out so fast.

I'm lost now
So lost
You've lost me
And that's just the way it goes.

'Cause every time we have this fight
Somewhere along the way
You stop listening to what I say
And you keep going
Yeah...
And I'm claustrophobic
Yeah...
I'm claustrophobic

This is actually a song! I'm so proud of myself. I don't think the words are particularly good and there's really no point to this thing, but I'm glad I figured out a tune for it and I have the chords figured out on the piano and everything. It even has an obvious chorus! Yei me, hey?

It's been way too long since I posted something here. I'm not happy with myself. A lot has happened. Nothing really significant, or worth writing here, though, so it's all good.

I'll be going to the orphanage tomorrow with Ub and Esther, and I'm excited because it's been way too long, but at the same time, I really wish Lis was going too. It never feels the same without her. But her dad doesn't seem to understand the importance of seeing these kids regularly, so she's not allowed to go, unfortunately.

I shall sleep now. Good night.

Bright Yellow Note

2009-02-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

I made you bleed.
Inside and out.
I used to be the vulnerable one.
The petite, shy one.
Now I charge, others fall.
It was an accident,
but I felt the world's eyes
dig into my head
as my roots dug
deeper into the ground.
Water rushed up,
up through my body,
then down,
down my face.
Couldn't control it.
Couldn't hold it in.

I wanted you to be angry
To tell me to die.
You just smiled and watched me cry.
I wanted to drown in your blood,
to choke on my tears,
to disappear.
It's not a big deal,
these things happen.
Accidents happen.
But some accidents kill.
And believe me,
this one's killing me.

A dark, heavy cloud hangs over me,
hangs by a string.
Soon, it will fall, and I'll be gone.
So before that happens,
before you forget me,
don't forget to remember my apology.
You accepted it, yes, but remember it.
Write it on a bright yellow not and hang it on your wall.
Don't forget that I'm sorry I made you cry.
I'm sorry I cried too.
I'm sorry my heart burst while you spat out blood.
I'm sorry I'll never give this to you in time.
The cloud is falling,
so I guess I'll be leaving.
Remember, okay?
Smile, because you look like the sun when you do.
You're beautiful and unique,
you're what the world needs.
Please don't cry,
leave that to me.

I'll see you again someday
but you won't see me.
Why?
Because I'll be hiding in the shadows,
away from the world.
I'll only drop in to see if you're okay.
To make sure you still remember the apology
on the bright yellow note,
and that you're not shining too bright to see it on your wall.
And to remind you that I'm sorry.

Depressing.
I was rummaging through all the papers in my desk last night, and I find this piece of paper with "To: Jessica" as the title. I read it through and started laughing.
The story behind this one is this:
My class in 9th or 10th grade in elc International School were playing soccer during P.E. I was running for the ball, trying to get to it before a Korean girl in my class, Jessica. We reached the ball at the same time, and our feet go for the ball at the same time, get intertwined and Jessica falls, while I'm left standing. I tripped her, basically. So I stop what I'm doing, forget about the ball and try to help her up, but she screams when I touch her arm. She's face down, and when I roll her over, there's blood coming out of her nose and mouth. I freak out when there's blood on someone else, especially when it's my fault, so at this point, I freeze, and everybody else start gathering around. Someone tries to help her up as well, but she screams again, so I yell, "Don't touch her arm!" and ask someone to go get water.

Blah blah blah.

She broke her collarbone...

It really depressed me, because I really felt like it was my fault, even though everyone told me it wasn't. So when I got home from school that day, I lay down on bed and cried a million tears or more and then wrote that thing for Jessica. I never gave it to her, of course.
I actually didn't want to post it here, but Ub told me to, so I did.

It's been a while since I wrote anything. Sad.
Bai.

I want...

2009-02-12T06:57:00.000-08:00

I want to travel the world.
I want to turn 18 and stay 18 forever.
I want 14 kids.
I want to get married and stay married forever.
I want a house on the beach.
I want three horses: one white, one brown and mine will be black.
I want to go to the moon.
I want a star in my room.
I want to save people from hurt, hunger and poverty.
I want to be famous in Hollywood.
I want an ice cream with three different flavors on a huge ice cream cone.
I want to sing and dance in the rain.
I want to go to heaven.
I want to find the cure for cancer.
I want a Starbucks in my backyard.
I want money to start growing on trees.
I want a little brother.
I want a Rottweiler, a Cocker Spaniel, a Great Dane, a Boxer, a Golden Retriever, a Bulldog, a New Foundland, a Chihuaha, a Black Labrador and a Pug.
I want to climb Mt. Everest.
I want a private plane.
I want to go Bunjee Jumping in New Zealand.
I want two bodyguards.
I want to sky-dive.
I want to take a two-hour long shower.
I want to scream at the top of my voice so that I lose it.
I want to grow my hair really long and then cut it really short.
I want a huge map of the world on my wall so that I can mark all the places I've been to.
I want to sleep on the beach in the arms of a man under the open sky.
I want to cook dinner and drink wine in a bubblebath with candles all around.
I want a rabbit named Sean to hop around in my house.
I want a bright green iguana.
I want to adopt a boy from Africa, a boy from Bolivia and a girl from China.
I want a big, white car and a small, red sports car.
I want world peace, I do.
I want a perfect body.
I want to take a train to the last station for no reason.
I want to get lost in the city and just walk around taking pictures.
I want to get the lyrics to every song that plays on the radio and sing along to them.
I want to go on a road trip in America with a close friend.
I want to dye my hair a really crazy color.
I want to open my own reggae bar.
I want to fill up a book with songs that I've written.
I want to stay up the whole night doing absolutely nothing.
I want to take a less-privileged person shopping for clothes and beauty products.
I want to write my name with toothpaste on a black wall.
I want to throw tons of random colors of paint on the ceiling, walls and floor in the living room of my first apartment.
I want to keep a diary of all my children's lives.
I want a Harley.
I want a huge garden with lots of big trees that I can climb in.
I want to pretend to steal a piece of clothing from a store and make the sensors go off and then see how long I can run through the mall without getting caught.
I want to order every dessert on the menu at a restaurant.
I want to buy every beer and see which one's my favorite.
I want to crash a wedding.
I want to order takeaway food and give it out to people I meet.
I want to run into a football game and run away with their football.
I want to take a bunch of street-kids into a McDonalds.
I want to kiss a dolphin.
I want to release an album and write a book.
I want to learn how to play guitar.
I want to surf in Australia.
I want to invent something new.
I want to design an outfit.
I want to ride a dirt-bike through really thick mud.
I want to witness a birth.
I want to save a life.
I want to steal something.
I want to wear red and walk through a town singing, "I'm painting the town red".
I want to dress up in a really scary Halloween outfit and scare couples on Valentine's Day.
I want to go skinny-dipping with close friends.
I want to ask a really good-looking guy at a bar or a club for his number and then probably never call him back.
I want to swim outside in ice during the winter.
I want to dress up as a goth and walk through a mall.
I want to have a get-together party with all my ex-boyfriends.
I want to start a fire-alarm for no reason.
I want to witness a bar fight.
I want to be worth fighting for.

There are more. They just haven't come to me yet.
Bai.

Silently

2009-02-11T08:41:00.000-08:00

So this is it then.
The dust has finally settled
And it's over now.
It's over.

You're on my mind
Despite it all
Covering it like leaves of autumn.
You've got me thinking
Maybe if I leave this town
You'll disappear too...

I think about how
You moved so slowly
As if you were underwater.
And into the origami folds of the night
You held me so tightly
Kissed me so silently.

You said the reason
You had to leave
Was because I wasn't there
When you needed me the most.
But I was, darling.
I was.
You just closed your eyes
And chose not to see me.
You were too busy sinking yourself
In your own troubles.

I don't think this one's finished yet. And I think this one's the closest to a song I've ever gotten. It actually has verses with similar tunes and a chorus. Yei me :)

Nothing great's happening these days. I doubt anything great's gonna happen tomorrow either. But we'll know that by the end of the day.

I've actually run out of little thingies that I've written, and I haven't felt really inspired to write anything new. So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to be writing in the next posts.

The whole Chris Brown/Rehanna thing is killing me. If it's all true, I'm going to be so incredibly disappointed in Chris Brown. Not to mention all the other girls that adore him. It's horrible. It makes me want to get out there and try and do something about all the sh** that's happening to people. Ahh...

I don't want to go to bed with all this stuff running through my mind.

Good night!

My Tower

2009-02-10T05:35:00.000-08:00

Today I stood in my tower
Watching people fulfill their duties.
Clocks ticking in their heads
Conscience like ropes
Holding them down.
There's nowhere for them to go.
No place where they can fly with the wind
And sing with the ocean.

Then a man jumped off the top of my tower.
He tumbled and fell
Until a parachute appeared
And saved him.

I bet that in those moments
When he was falling
There were no clocks ticking
In his head
No conscience
Holding him down.
He could fly with the wind
And sing with the ocean.

From the top of my tower
I saw people checking their watches
Talking on phones
Listening to music.
I looked for people
That stop to look at the sky
That smile for no reason.

I found none.

Sometimes we need to get away
And jump off towers
And experience freedom
And empty minds.

I've been tired the whole day. I'm going to sleep soon.

Dreams

2009-02-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

Last night we had a talk
About where we stood.
I don't know how it happened.
You have your life
And I have mine
So why should we be discussing them
With each other?
You said, "I thought we were in love"
And when I told you I still love you
You laughed.
When you remembered her
Your smile was gone.

And you realized you're tied down
To the ground
Watching me spread my wings and fly
Telling you to come along with me.

By the end of our talk
At the end of the night
You walked away defeated
And I walked away
Knowing that you still loved me.

Suddenly I woke up.
It had all been a dream.
I didn't see your smile
Your eyes
Your hands.
I didn't hear your voice
And I'm still wondering where we stand.
Too afraid to ask you where we stand.
Afraid of your answer.

I'm tired of questions
Tired of wondering.
I'm tired of being let down
Tired of hurting.

I wish I could live in my dreams sometimes
To let go of reality sometimes.
Where nothing makes sense
And your emotions aren't real.
There's no need to worry
Because what you see isn't happening.

I fear I'm not strong enough
To face the future
But I've never been the one
To take the easy way out.

So, I don't think it ends like that, but I haven't been hit with anything else to go with it... Maybe someday it'll come.
I watched "Changeling" with Lisa today. The story of the movie is true and horrible, but I am now a big fan of Angelina Jolie. The way she lived into her character in the movie, the way she acted it... It made a big difference to the movie. I doubt it would have been as good if she hadn't acted in it as the main character. She made it so believable, like she actually did lose her son. I mean, how many kids does she have? 7? So I guess it was easy for her to imagine her son suddenly going missing and how she would react and act... Blah blah blah. I should be a critic.

I am so sleepy. I have no idea why.
I'm going to sleep now.
Until tomorrow...

Sword

2009-02-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

You don't know anything about me.
You don't know what's happened to me in the past.
You don't know why I close myself up
Why I retreat into my quiet chamber of secrets.
You don't know why I go places
Where no one else has been.

So don't get mad at me
When I say I don't want to.
When I tell you I'm afraid.

You never took no for an answer
You always wanted your will to be done.
Well, I'm sorry but it's just not going to happen with me.

I was born a sensitive person.
Words are like swords to me -
They can sharpen my sword.
They can cut away things I want gone.
They can hurt, even kill.

A single drop of blood from my heart
Is enough for me to not want to go on.

So lay down your sword
If your intention is only to destroy my life.
Lay it down because we're not ready yet.
The battle has yet to begin.
Give it time.
Lay down your sword.

I wrote that at a point in my life when I was really mad at a certain boy for continually asking me to do things with him that I didn't want to. Sex being one of them. And every time I told him no, he would do and say things that made me feel guilty even though I wasn't.
Kind of an angry poem thing...
I'm not an angry person. Really.

I need to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. And Changeling. It's important.
Good night :)

Remember

2009-02-07T07:15:00.000-08:00

I remember that time
When you lay so close
I couldn't tell if
The heartbeat I was hearing
Was mine or yours.

I remember how
You saw beauty in ugliness,
Humor in sadness,
How you found lyrics
In the trees, the moon,
My eyes...

I remember the times
We spent at the beach
When the ocean was
Ours to keep.

I remember the stars
Reflected in your eyes,
Your smile was a lighthouse
Guiding me to safety.

Remember when I asked you
If there is more sand
Than there are stars.
You told me
I couldn't compare sand
With the stars.
The stars are too majestic.

Remember how
You made me feel so stupid
Yet you loved me anyway...

Remember the times
We remembered the times
That made us laugh.

Remember how you made me laugh.

I think I had a good day today :) I've been sick these last three days, and I haven't eaten anything proper either, but I was in need of seeing Lisa. It's been a while. So I called Ub to ask him if he wanted to go too, which he did, so he came and picked me up and then I drove to Bangsar :) Which was fun, and we called up Usman as well, so he came and we all sat at Starbucks and talked. And laughed. A lot. It was really nice. Then I drove back with Ub to One Utama and we watched Pink Panther II. I guess it was okay, but it was kind of predictable, in a way. So I didn't think it was great, but it was funny at quite a few times. Quite similar to the first one. Blah blah blah.
It's already late. I was so surprised when I looked under my door and saw that it's dark outside. That means my parents are sleeping. So I checked the time, and it's already 11:30. That's not that late, but it's later than I thought it was. You know what? Who cares.
I have this odd pain in my chest tonight and I ate a tiny piece of pizza and now I feel like throwing up. I wonder when my stomach is going to cooperate and start loving life again. I hope it's soon. I'm tired of watching other people eat all this good food and knowing that I can't without feeling really crappy.
I'm going to sleep now. I rearranged my room, so it's really cosy now :) I want to sleep in my bed forever. That would be... nice but kind of scary too.

I feel really stupid.
Good night.

Colors

2009-02-05T19:53:00.000-08:00

My piano stool is brown
And my piano is black
My bed is blue
And my pillow is yellow
Funny how two different-colored things
Can be so incomplete
Without each other.

Your eyes are brown
Your hair is black
My eyes are blue
My hair is...yellow.
You're so naturally funny
And me?
Well, I try to be.

Sometimes people make promises
That don't mean much to them
But that are important to others
So when the promise is broken
It hurts more than we expected.
I'm sorry I didn't see that in time.

I am usually a bright person
But I have some darker shades in me too.
But I'm not the only one
So could you forgive me, please?

Maybe your bright colors
Could wash away my dark ones.
You complete me.
Maybe I complete you.
Maybe without each other
We're like snails without shells
Boats without sails
A sky without stars.

Why are we so busy looking at things
In black and white
When colors are what make our days
Worth living?

I never believed in
"No words, just action, baby"
And if you don't like that
Well, then I guess I could change
If you wanted me to.
I could, but I wouldn't
Because as much as I like you
I would never change my colors
To suit you better.
I'd never pretend to be another
Locking the real me inside the caves of my soul
And living unknowingly a life of misery.
But I think I know you well enough
To trust that you will take me
And love me as I am.

So I came back from the Philippines and I had a really good time. I miss it so much. Want to go back and stay there for good. That's my dream, and sort of like my plan for the future...I just don't know if I'll be able to carry it out. I mean, we'll just have to see.

I got really sick a couple days ago, and still am not feeling well. For reasons I don't want to write here. It's not like anybody's interested anyway, and I don't like to think or talk about it.

I dont' know what else to say.

You

2009-01-25T05:10:00.000-08:00

This could be a song
But we can't quite know until
We have the finished product
In front of us.

There's so much to say to you today
Unlike other days
When I just don't have the time
To think about the world
And its ways.

So what happens
When all the ice in the world melts
When the trees and sky decide to change color?
What do we do when there's no air left to breathe?
I think that as long as I'm with you
I don't mind if the world goes under.

It's getting late and my eyes are tired
I didn't get to say
What I wanted to
But maybe you'll get it anyway.
Maybe you'll see the gray
Between the black and white.
Maybe when you read this poem
Or hear this song
You'll understand what's on my mind
And you'll love me
As I love you.

My family is preparing to fly off to the Philippines tonight. We're leaving in less than an hour. We're only going to be gone for a week, and yet I feel like we're going to be gone forever. I'm excited and yet I feel like crying. Sometimes I wish I could pack everything I love into my suitcase and bring it with me so that I never get homesick.
I'm a sensitive person. Things that may seem almost insignificant to others can be big deals for me. I think it's sort of like a disadvantage, really.

Two days ago, I woke up feeling especially happy. I went through my morning as usual, cleaning my face, turning on my computer, my music, making my bed, having breakfast and then lying down on the bed again to check my email. I talked to Pablo on skype and he was so unhappy and I tried my best to cheer him up, but I found it quite impossible. I didn't tell him or show it, but my mood was dragged down after that. I picked up my phone, read through my messages from last night and read the ones from Lisa where she talked about her mom having random bursts of stress and anger. I spent the rest of the day feeling helpless and needing so bad to run away from the pain that people around me were feeling. I felt like it was selfish of me to be happy and enjoy life when there were other people close to me who were feeling the opposite.

What a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky.

I think it's my favorite song in the world.
Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

Until next time...

The First Post

2009-01-24T04:18:00.000-08:00

I've never had a blog. Well, I've never kept one up. I think I may have started a few, but then forgotten about them after some time. I don't know how this one is going to end up, but I want to try my best to keep it going. I don't think this will be something I specifically want other people to read. It's just me, keeping something like a diary on the internet. If you want to read, that's fine. You don't have to, and if you feel like you're falling asleep at this point, you should stop reading now.

I don't even know what to write without making this sound stupid. Hopefully, I'll get better the more blogs I post.

I never really considered myself a poetic person. I've tried writing poems, and they're good to me while I'm writing them. But then I finish them, put them somewhere, forget about them, and when I find them again some time later, I read them and I wonder what possessed me to think I could pull off writing a poem. I crumple it up and throw it away.
I've tried writing songs, as well, but I don't feel like that's something I specialize in either.

My little sister, Esther (she's turning 13) gave me a little notebook for Christmas last year, expecting me to write in it. I wrote a little diary entry on Christmas eve in the notebook, and then didn't touch it for a few weeks. You can say I'm not a diary kind of person. I picked up the book in the beginning of this month, read my entry, laughed at myself and tore the page out, crumpled it up and threw it away...

Then I picked up a pen and started writing...

I don't know what you want to call what I wrote in it. I suppose it's just my thoughts running wild. Here's the first...thing...I wrote.

I guess there's nothing quite as nice
As summer vacations and lemonade
Spring break and flowers and bees
Winter and frost and cocoa
Autumn and colors and leaves.

Maybe the times when we're truly happy
Are times when there's nothing to think about
No space around us that tells us "no"
A state of mind where consciousness is non-existent,
Unreal.

I tried so hard to put you in a box
So that I could understand you
And the things you do.
But I realized too late that
Some things aren't meant to be understood.
Like how some things are better left unsaid,
Things about you that I dislike are not to be spoken of.

Now you're not here and I can't help but wonder
If it really was my fault
Or if you maybe played a little part.

I don't look for somewhere to place the blame.
I'll take it because I know I can handle it
But you know I'm not strong enough to be alone.

So maybe there is something better than
Summer vacations and lemonade,
Spring break and flowers and bees,
Winter and frost and cocoa
Autumn and colors and leaves.

Maybe when you loved me
Nothing bad could ever happen.
Maybe your words had the power to erase hurt and hopelessness.
Maybe your presence blocked out the fear in my heart.
Maybe when I was with you, I was truly happy.

I don't know. I'll try and think of something better to write the next time I do this. Which will hopefully be soon. I want to keep this up.
I've already said that.
Good night...