Bright Yellow Note

I made you bleed.
Inside and out.
I used to be the vulnerable one.
The petite, shy one.
Now I charge, others fall.
It was an accident,
but I felt the world's eyes
dig into my head
as my roots dug
deeper into the ground.
Water rushed up,
up through my body,
then down,
down my face.
Couldn't control it.
Couldn't hold it in.

I wanted you to be angry
To tell me to die.
You just smiled and watched me cry.
I wanted to drown in your blood,
to choke on my tears,
to disappear.
It's not a big deal,
these things happen.
Accidents happen.
But some accidents kill.
And believe me,
this one's killing me.

A dark, heavy cloud hangs over me,
hangs by a string.
Soon, it will fall, and I'll be gone.
So before that happens,
before you forget me,
don't forget to remember my apology.
You accepted it, yes, but remember it.
Write it on a bright yellow not and hang it on your wall.
Don't forget that I'm sorry I made you cry.
I'm sorry I cried too.
I'm sorry my heart burst while you spat out blood.
I'm sorry I'll never give this to you in time.
The cloud is falling,
so I guess I'll be leaving.
Remember, okay?
Smile, because you look like the sun when you do.
You're beautiful and unique,
you're what the world needs.
Please don't cry,
leave that to me.

I'll see you again someday
but you won't see me.
Why?
Because I'll be hiding in the shadows,
away from the world.
I'll only drop in to see if you're okay.
To make sure you still remember the apology
on the bright yellow note,
and that you're not shining too bright to see it on your wall.
And to remind you that I'm sorry.



Depressing.
I was rummaging through all the papers in my desk last night, and I find this piece of paper with "To: Jessica" as the title. I read it through and started laughing.
The story behind this one is this:
My class in 9th or 10th grade in elc International School were playing soccer during P.E. I was running for the ball, trying to get to it before a Korean girl in my class, Jessica. We reached the ball at the same time, and our feet go for the ball at the same time, get intertwined and Jessica falls, while I'm left standing. I tripped her, basically. So I stop what I'm doing, forget about the ball and try to help her up, but she screams when I touch her arm. She's face down, and when I roll her over, there's blood coming out of her nose and mouth. I freak out when there's blood on someone else, especially when it's my fault, so at this point, I freeze, and everybody else start gathering around. Someone tries to help her up as well, but she screams again, so I yell, "Don't touch her arm!" and ask someone to go get water.

Blah blah blah.

She broke her collarbone...

It really depressed me, because I really felt like it was my fault, even though everyone told me it wasn't. So when I got home from school that day, I lay down on bed and cried a million tears or more and then wrote that thing for Jessica. I never gave it to her, of course.
I actually didn't want to post it here, but Ub told me to, so I did.

It's been a while since I wrote anything. Sad.
Bai.

I want...

I want to travel the world.
I want to turn 18 and stay 18 forever.
I want 14 kids.
I want to get married and stay married forever.
I want a house on the beach.
I want three horses: one white, one brown and mine will be black.
I want to go to the moon.
I want a star in my room.
I want to save people from hurt, hunger and poverty.
I want to be famous in Hollywood.
I want an ice cream with three different flavors on a huge ice cream cone.
I want to sing and dance in the rain.
I want to go to heaven.
I want to find the cure for cancer.
I want a Starbucks in my backyard.
I want money to start growing on trees.
I want a little brother.
I want a Rottweiler, a Cocker Spaniel, a Great Dane, a Boxer, a Golden Retriever, a Bulldog, a New Foundland, a Chihuaha, a Black Labrador and a Pug.
I want to climb Mt. Everest.
I want a private plane.
I want to go Bunjee Jumping in New Zealand.
I want two bodyguards.
I want to sky-dive.
I want to take a two-hour long shower.
I want to scream at the top of my voice so that I lose it.
I want to grow my hair really long and then cut it really short.
I want a huge map of the world on my wall so that I can mark all the places I've been to.
I want to sleep on the beach in the arms of a man under the open sky.
I want to cook dinner and drink wine in a bubblebath with candles all around.
I want a rabbit named Sean to hop around in my house.
I want a bright green iguana.
I want to adopt a boy from Africa, a boy from Bolivia and a girl from China.
I want a big, white car and a small, red sports car.
I want world peace, I do.
I want a perfect body.
I want to take a train to the last station for no reason.
I want to get lost in the city and just walk around taking pictures.
I want to get the lyrics to every song that plays on the radio and sing along to them.
I want to go on a road trip in America with a close friend.
I want to dye my hair a really crazy color.
I want to open my own reggae bar.
I want to fill up a book with songs that I've written.
I want to stay up the whole night doing absolutely nothing.
I want to take a less-privileged person shopping for clothes and beauty products.
I want to write my name with toothpaste on a black wall.
I want to throw tons of random colors of paint on the ceiling, walls and floor in the living room of my first apartment.
I want to keep a diary of all my children's lives.
I want a Harley.
I want a huge garden with lots of big trees that I can climb in.
I want to pretend to steal a piece of clothing from a store and make the sensors go off and then see how long I can run through the mall without getting caught.
I want to order every dessert on the menu at a restaurant.
I want to buy every beer and see which one's my favorite.
I want to crash a wedding.
I want to order takeaway food and give it out to people I meet.
I want to run into a football game and run away with their football.
I want to take a bunch of street-kids into a McDonalds.
I want to kiss a dolphin.
I want to release an album and write a book.
I want to learn how to play guitar.
I want to surf in Australia.
I want to invent something new.
I want to design an outfit.
I want to ride a dirt-bike through really thick mud.
I want to witness a birth.
I want to save a life.
I want to steal something.
I want to wear red and walk through a town singing, "I'm painting the town red".
I want to dress up in a really scary Halloween outfit and scare couples on Valentine's Day.
I want to go skinny-dipping with close friends.
I want to ask a really good-looking guy at a bar or a club for his number and then probably never call him back.
I want to swim outside in ice during the winter.
I want to dress up as a goth and walk through a mall.
I want to have a get-together party with all my ex-boyfriends.
I want to start a fire-alarm for no reason.
I want to witness a bar fight.
I want to be worth fighting for.



There are more. They just haven't come to me yet.
Bai.

Silently

So this is it then.
The dust has finally settled
And it's over now.
It's over.

You're on my mind
Despite it all
Covering it like leaves of autumn.
You've got me thinking
Maybe if I leave this town
You'll disappear too...

I think about how
You moved so slowly
As if you were underwater.
And into the origami folds of the night
You held me so tightly
Kissed me so silently.

You said the reason
You had to leave
Was because I wasn't there
When you needed me the most.
But I was, darling.
I was.
You just closed your eyes
And chose not to see me.
You were too busy sinking yourself
In your own troubles.



I don't think this one's finished yet. And I think this one's the closest to a song I've ever gotten. It actually has verses with similar tunes and a chorus. Yei me :)

Nothing great's happening these days. I doubt anything great's gonna happen tomorrow either. But we'll know that by the end of the day.

I've actually run out of little thingies that I've written, and I haven't felt really inspired to write anything new. So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to be writing in the next posts.

The whole Chris Brown/Rehanna thing is killing me. If it's all true, I'm going to be so incredibly disappointed in Chris Brown. Not to mention all the other girls that adore him. It's horrible. It makes me want to get out there and try and do something about all the sh** that's happening to people. Ahh...

I don't want to go to bed with all this stuff running through my mind.

Good night!

My Tower

Today I stood in my tower
Watching people fulfill their duties.
Clocks ticking in their heads
Conscience like ropes
Holding them down.
There's nowhere for them to go.
No place where they can fly with the wind
And sing with the ocean.

Then a man jumped off the top of my tower.
He tumbled and fell
Until a parachute appeared
And saved him.

I bet that in those moments
When he was falling
There were no clocks ticking
In his head
No conscience
Holding him down.
He could fly with the wind
And sing with the ocean.

From the top of my tower
I saw people checking their watches
Talking on phones
Listening to music.
I looked for people
That stop to look at the sky
That smile for no reason.

I found none.

Sometimes we need to get away
And jump off towers
And experience freedom
And empty minds.



I've been tired the whole day. I'm going to sleep soon.

Dreams

Last night we had a talk
About where we stood.
I don't know how it happened.
You have your life
And I have mine
So why should we be discussing them
With each other?
You said, "I thought we were in love"
And when I told you I still love you
You laughed.
When you remembered her
Your smile was gone.

And you realized you're tied down
To the ground
Watching me spread my wings and fly
Telling you to come along with me.

By the end of our talk
At the end of the night
You walked away defeated
And I walked away
Knowing that you still loved me.

Suddenly I woke up.
It had all been a dream.
I didn't see your smile
Your eyes
Your hands.
I didn't hear your voice
And I'm still wondering where we stand.
Too afraid to ask you where we stand.
Afraid of your answer.

I'm tired of questions
Tired of wondering.
I'm tired of being let down
Tired of hurting.

I wish I could live in my dreams sometimes
To let go of reality sometimes.
Where nothing makes sense
And your emotions aren't real.
There's no need to worry
Because what you see isn't happening.

I fear I'm not strong enough
To face the future
But I've never been the one
To take the easy way out.



So, I don't think it ends like that, but I haven't been hit with anything else to go with it... Maybe someday it'll come.
I watched "Changeling" with Lisa today. The story of the movie is true and horrible, but I am now a big fan of Angelina Jolie. The way she lived into her character in the movie, the way she acted it... It made a big difference to the movie. I doubt it would have been as good if she hadn't acted in it as the main character. She made it so believable, like she actually did lose her son. I mean, how many kids does she have? 7? So I guess it was easy for her to imagine her son suddenly going missing and how she would react and act... Blah blah blah. I should be a critic.

I am so sleepy. I have no idea why.
I'm going to sleep now.
Until tomorrow...

Sword

You don't know anything about me.
You don't know what's happened to me in the past.
You don't know why I close myself up
Why I retreat into my quiet chamber of secrets.
You don't know why I go places
Where no one else has been.

So don't get mad at me
When I say I don't want to.
When I tell you I'm afraid.

You never took no for an answer
You always wanted your will to be done.
Well, I'm sorry but it's just not going to happen with me.

I was born a sensitive person.
Words are like swords to me -
They can sharpen my sword.
They can cut away things I want gone.
They can hurt, even kill.

A single drop of blood from my heart
Is enough for me to not want to go on.

So lay down your sword
If your intention is only to destroy my life.
Lay it down because we're not ready yet.
The battle has yet to begin.
Give it time.
Lay down your sword.


I wrote that at a point in my life when I was really mad at a certain boy for continually asking me to do things with him that I didn't want to. Sex being one of them. And every time I told him no, he would do and say things that made me feel guilty even though I wasn't.
Kind of an angry poem thing...
I'm not an angry person. Really.

I need to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. And Changeling. It's important.
Good night :)

Remember

I remember that time
When you lay so close
I couldn't tell if
The heartbeat I was hearing
Was mine or yours.

I remember how
You saw beauty in ugliness,
Humor in sadness,
How you found lyrics
In the trees, the moon,
My eyes...

I remember the times
We spent at the beach
When the ocean was
Ours to keep.

I remember the stars
Reflected in your eyes,
Your smile was a lighthouse
Guiding me to safety.

Remember when I asked you
If there is more sand
Than there are stars.
You told me
I couldn't compare sand
With the stars.
The stars are too majestic.

Remember how
You made me feel so stupid
Yet you loved me anyway...

Remember the times
We remembered the times
That made us laugh.

Remember how you made me laugh.


I think I had a good day today :) I've been sick these last three days, and I haven't eaten anything proper either, but I was in need of seeing Lisa. It's been a while. So I called Ub to ask him if he wanted to go too, which he did, so he came and picked me up and then I drove to Bangsar :) Which was fun, and we called up Usman as well, so he came and we all sat at Starbucks and talked. And laughed. A lot. It was really nice. Then I drove back with Ub to One Utama and we watched Pink Panther II. I guess it was okay, but it was kind of predictable, in a way. So I didn't think it was great, but it was funny at quite a few times. Quite similar to the first one. Blah blah blah.
It's already late. I was so surprised when I looked under my door and saw that it's dark outside. That means my parents are sleeping. So I checked the time, and it's already 11:30. That's not that late, but it's later than I thought it was. You know what? Who cares.
I have this odd pain in my chest tonight and I ate a tiny piece of pizza and now I feel like throwing up. I wonder when my stomach is going to cooperate and start loving life again. I hope it's soon. I'm tired of watching other people eat all this good food and knowing that I can't without feeling really crappy.
I'm going to sleep now. I rearranged my room, so it's really cosy now :) I want to sleep in my bed forever. That would be... nice but kind of scary too.

I feel really stupid.
Good night.

Colors

My piano stool is brown
And my piano is black
My bed is blue
And my pillow is yellow
Funny how two different-colored things
Can be so incomplete
Without each other.

Your eyes are brown
Your hair is black
My eyes are blue
My hair is...yellow.
You're so naturally funny
And me?
Well, I try to be.

Sometimes people make promises
That don't mean much to them
But that are important to others
So when the promise is broken
It hurts more than we expected.
I'm sorry I didn't see that in time.

I am usually a bright person
But I have some darker shades in me too.
But I'm not the only one
So could you forgive me, please?

Maybe your bright colors
Could wash away my dark ones.
You complete me.
Maybe I complete you.
Maybe without each other
We're like snails without shells
Boats without sails
A sky without stars.

Why are we so busy looking at things
In black and white
When colors are what make our days
Worth living?

I never believed in
"No words, just action, baby"
And if you don't like that
Well, then I guess I could change
If you wanted me to.
I could, but I wouldn't
Because as much as I like you
I would never change my colors
To suit you better.
I'd never pretend to be another
Locking the real me inside the caves of my soul
And living unknowingly a life of misery.
But I think I know you well enough
To trust that you will take me
And love me as I am.


So I came back from the Philippines and I had a really good time. I miss it so much. Want to go back and stay there for good. That's my dream, and sort of like my plan for the future...I just don't know if I'll be able to carry it out. I mean, we'll just have to see.

I got really sick a couple days ago, and still am not feeling well. For reasons I don't want to write here. It's not like anybody's interested anyway, and I don't like to think or talk about it.

I dont' know what else to say.